The Six D's: Tactics Against Women - Dishearten
Dishearten – taking away your will to fight
In our quest to work hard, contribute to our company and career, move up, and find satisfaction in our work…even the smallest things can sometimes be discouraging. Sometimes they are deliberate tactics against women. Other times it is just a continuation of long-held practices. The combination of factors that dishearten women can destroy our drive and ability to move up.
Assigning you “female” roles
Nearly all of us have at one time or another been assigned a typically “female” role. How many times were we asked, as the only female in the room, to take notes in a meeting? The savviest of us find ways to get out of it.
Lynn had a guy come into a meeting that didn’t know her. “He asked me where the sugar is and stuff. I said, ‘oh, it’s right there, do you need a cup?’ The other guys were laughing. Then I ended up running the meeting and he turned all shades of red.”
Becky was appalled when a former manager insisted that one of her colleagues “put on a skirt to go to that meeting.” Later that manager insisted Becky go work the booth at a trade show, because she was pretty and would attract men to the booth.
Even today, I see booths at technical trade shows deliberately manned by “booth babes”. These women are hired to dress scantily and lure men to the booth. Generally, they know little to nothing about the product.
Not that there is anything wrong with taking notes, or helping someone with coffee, or working at a booth in a trade show. But when you are trying to distinguish yourself on your technical skills or knowledge or hard work, it is disheartening to stand out only because you are a woman.
A million paper cuts – small things that set the tone
Along with the big things that hold women back, sometimes it is the small things that set the tone, to remind you that you are not in charge.
When Connie was a dental hygienist, she worked for Dr. Maxwell, an older man with a string of ex-wives and a temperament to explain it. When a male technician came in to inspect the X-ray machine, the receptionist asked him to wait until the current patient was finished. Dr. Maxwell overheard it, and scolded her, “You do not keep Mr. Johnson waiting.” As he ushered the confused technician back to the exam room, Connie heard Dr. M say “I’ve got to keep these girls in line.” Though she should have been used to it by then, she still cringed when she heard him talk about his “girls”.
Often it’s not dramatic enough to be worth complaining about. Sometimes it just makes you crazy.
When I was an Engineering manager, I stopped my Director in the hall for a discussion of a technical issue on a large program I was running. Deep into the discussion, he interrupted my sentence to say “Nice earrings.” It completely derailed my train of thought, and made me wonder if he was paying any attention to my technical discussion, or just checking me out.
Diana has encountered similar comments. In the midst of an intense conversation about the nuances of the law and the client, she was interrupted by her managing partner, who asked, “Did you change your hair?”
More examples of A Million Paper Cuts can be found on my earlier blog by that name.
Sexual Harassment
Frustrated Woman at Work
Blatant sexual harassment and innuendo still exists in some workplaces. As discussed in the Disconcert posting, many of us have encountered harassment. I have seen men walking around the office flirting openly, making inappropriate comments, and even giving shoulder massages to women at work. These things may seem innocent, but it changes the tone of the workplace from business to sex. It can make it difficult for women to be taken seriously when they are viewed as sex objects.
I complained about it to a manager, and was told, “that’s just Henry. He’s basically harmless.” To me, it was uncomfortable, and disheartening.
Seriously?
Several of us have been told to “calm down” when we are particularly passionate about an issue or problem. We have never heard anyone tell a male colleague to calm down, even when they were screaming at someone.
Surprisingly (or not), Valerie, Becky, Karen, and I have all heard on multiple occasions a version of, “You sound like my wife!” or “You sound like my mother!” Valerie, a seasoned and highly competent professional, took it in stride. “Okay, if you want it like that. Sit down, and listen to me.”
These comments may seem innocuous, and in an even playing field, perhaps they would be. But this is not an even playing field. We may be women, but by putting us in a bucket with your wife or mother, you keep us from competing fairly with men. Who knows what sort of baggage you bring to the conversation when you think of us as like your wife? We’ve never heard Joe down the hall being compared to your father.
Don’t let it get you down
A savvy woman will become a threat to others, who will often react with conscious or unconscious actions against her. We have all faced various tactics used against us during our career progression. Some were more effective than others in slowing us down. Over time, however, we have developed strategies to fight back and prevail in spite of them.The first step is recognizing what is happening. Savvy women:
Recognize when we are being Dismissed, and insist on being heard. We own our own power.
Don’t let Disparaging comments get us down. Savvy women challenge those who are trying to disparage us, or through continuous competence simply prove them wrong.
Are strong in the face of Disconcerting attacks, where others push on our vulnerabilities to try to break us. The more we recognize what is happening, the less power others have over us.
Learn to recognize when Dissembling is used to provide false appearances, such as promotion without power or passive-aggressive support. The more we know the true motives of others, the better strategies we can put in place to challenge these behaviors.
Know that Discrimination still exists. We recognize when we have become a threat to the status quo or to someone’s ego, and we find ways to excel in spite of this. We continue to question the pay gap, and insist on equal opportunities in promotions and training and growth paths.
Are not Disheartened by the large and small injustices we see in the workplace. We speak up when we see blatant sexual harassment and discrimination, and we learn to brush aside the minor comments that remind us that we are women in a (formerly) man’s job. Or we stand up and say, “Pay attention. I’m speaking, and I have something important to say.”
In Savvy Women: Gaining Ground at Work we explore different approaches you can use in responding to the challenges you will face. You will learn from our successes, and our mistakes, and find your own way forward.