The Six D's: Tactics Against Women - Dissemble

I call them the six D’s: Dismiss, Disparage, Disconcert, Dissemble, Discriminate, and Dishearten. In the following excerpt from my book, Savvy Women: Gaining Ground at Work, I explore the third D: Disconcert.

Dissemble – the tricky one

To Dissemble is to give a false or misleading appearance, to conceal one’s true motives, or to speak or act hypocritically. Many of the women I interviewed have encountered this type of behavior in the workplace, either directly or indirectly.

Promotion Without Power

One example of this is promotion without power. Rosa and Diana saw it frequently within their law firms, when less-qualified attorneys would be promoted to partner because they could be controlled by the other partners.

In Maria's case, after proving herself as Program Manager on a multi-million-dollar program, she was promoted to Engineering Department Manager. Putting a female in this type of role was a first for her company – and not entirely a comfortable decision all around. When the new organization chart came out, she was indeed Engineering Department Manager, with twenty engineers reporting to her: most of them men; several of them older than her. She had just turned thirty.

But she noticed something odd on the org chart. A new box, just under the Director and off to the side, called “Technical Staff.” Two names were listed: Tom, a senior engineer who had been her technical mentor and coworker on her program for many years, and Joey. Joey was one year younger than Maria, with less experience and responsibility, and she had previously discovered he was making more money than she.

Why were these two engineers pulled out of the department just as she took on the role of manager? Was she somehow less qualified to manage them than the rest of the team? Or was there something else at work here? Of course, it’s quite likely that they didn’t want her to see the higher pay of these two engineers. Tom’s higher pay was completely valid, as he had many years more experience that Maria. He also would have had no issue working for her, as he had no desire to be in management and had a lot of respect for her. Joey was likely still paid more than Maria for doing less, and they wouldn’t want her in charge of his raises. They couldn’t have an org chart box with just his name, so Tom got to join him in the Technical Staff.

Passive-Aggressive Support

When I was Sales and Marketing Manager at a small engineering company, I was surprised to encounter opposition from the women supporting me. I suspect they didn’t like taking direction from another woman…and I say I “suspect” this, because they never outright refused to do something for me. They would smile sweetly and say “of course,” then quietly forget to do it or do it poorly, making me look bad.

When Anne was a paralegal, she had a secretary who was a little older than she, who did not like doing work for her. The secretary would either refuse to do the work outright, or say she would do it and then drop it. When she was confronted by Anne’s supervisor and told she would have to do work for Anne, she quit.

Watch for the signs

It can be difficult to know if you are being tricked, especially if you lead with trust, as I do. If you find yourself wondering what just happened, you may be experiencing dissembling. Maybe your management is saying one thing and doing another. Or someone says they will help you and then don't.

When you are experiencing any of the Six D's - Dismiss, Disparage, Disconcert, Dissemble, Discriminate, and Dishearten - you may start to question yourself before you think to look at others. Periodically, take stock of your situation to better understand it. Then you can follow the advice I provide in the later chapters of Savvy Women: Gaining Ground at Work.